the thing is that i ate 2 pieces of bread instead of just one one makes me want more but two makes me want even more and this is just like… ehh now i’ll just try to chill out and let the breads digest properly cause i need to take a potassium supplement without eating it gives me major heart burn. i feel a bit anxious i struggle with stopping eating here right now. i’ll stop it still. and because i stop it here it feels hard to have the food inside my stomach i feel so anxious that i’ll probably go out for a cigarette now salad leftovers from yesterdat there’s caesar sauce, croutons, mushroom and basic salad ingredients i washed my hair… and umm… my hair is falling off these are the small daily challenges i’m gonna eat this raspberry porridge i think we have strawberry jam in the fridge so i’m making breakfast now it’s 11:30am. i will also take the potassium supplement i put the jam in here this is a bit liquidy but this should be a good breakfast or brunch i’ll never get used to this (making breakfast) i used to always be the breakfast person and nowadays this is just very repulsive i don’t feel hungry at all, i don’t want to eat this but i have to because of the ### supplement that gives me heart burn when i spread butter i always end up using a huge chunk oh well… we have rye bread with butter, cheese, cucumber and lettuce usually i eat two pieces but it easily turns into a binging session i try to start this routine with one piece if i end up feeling hungry still i’ll make porridge or another bread l already had a rye bread with butter, cheese and cucumber and now i’m eating a vegetable soup of course i also have an energy drink after having eaten i feel super full again could also be the energy drink i feel disgusting i don’t like this at all i must go through this ’cause at the clinique we’ll be eating way more and i have to try hard there ’cause you just can’t go to the bathroom i don’t feel good my lunch soup is coming “don’t take it’s not yours (bunny)” now i’m eating salty snacks while waiting for my soup to cool down i haven’t eaten breakfast yet since i woke up so late it’s gonna be 1 pm so it’s time for lunch this is a salty caramel latte this is my last week before going outpatient the last week, i mean i’m not gonna go to school on time ’cause i’m super tired i can’t sleep it means i’m not able to make it to porridge which means that even though i’m not hungry at all and don’t want to eat i’ll make my own porridge now it’s some chocolate oatmeal yum!!! and i’ll put a sliced banana in there forcing myself to eat so at lunchtime i’d be hungry if i don’t have breakfast i won’t be hungry at lunch i should gain weight before the treatment i have one week to do it my bananas are floating in here this turned out very liquidy again ’cause this is a new brand i’m having i didn’t know how much water i should boil tastes the same anyway hi! it’s tenzba and i welcome you to talk about eating disorders with me once again i asked if you’d want these updates and you said ‘yes’ so here we are today we’re gonna think about the outpatient treatment which begins on monday and lasts for two weeks what have i eaten? how has it been? what else have i noticed? what to expect? firstly there were a few clips from the past week. i’ve tried to eat breakkie almost daily i’ve had lunch or a dinner daily and lots of fruit as snacks i’ve also eaten bread properly which is rare for me but now i wanna show you what is my usual breakfast this is white chocolate mixed with blueberries here are 6 oat meal portions i never check the nutritional facts with porridge usually i’d buy traditional oat meal but this looked delicious oat meal is a good starter because it’s easy to eat when i get used to eating in the morning i have a chance to have breakfast at school which is always oat meal i think they offer 2 types of porridge i suck at eating in the morning i used to always have 2 pieces of bread and maybe some yoghurt, porridge, cereal if i ate something i’d feel hungry at noon and have lunch i often went overboard with eating ’cause i was so hungry i’ve tried to adjust to oat meal in the morning i previously had a couple-month-period where i never ate breakfast nor did i eat lunch. then it was 3pm and i realized i hadn’t eaten anything now that i’m having breakfast i want to have lunch at noon warm meals are hard for me i always cook large portions it feels so frustrating to cook for one that’s why i always make a lot of food and it’s so good i end up eating the entire thing when i visit family i try to eat ready-to-go-meals those 200-400 grams each if i have a 400g one, i’ll have half of it but when i’m alone, i tend to eat it all so when meeting family, i’ve tried very hard i’ve asked my family to check my portion sizes we’ve also eaten out a lot i went to mcdonald’s the other day and got a large vegan wrap meal it went so well. i felt satisfied i really needed the large size ’cause i was starving after that i was with my family so they monitored me it went perfectly. we have also eaten at restaurants where my dad and brother complained about too small portion sizes but they we’re great for me a restaurant called “fish and chips” at the mall and i had a seitan meal it was so delicious and a perfect size the seitan was deep fried and i still ate it all the coffee was a dessert men had normal coffees and ice cream i had a speacial creamy coffee (latte) so it was more fatty for lunch or dinner, depending on how i’ve eaten i’ve been having vegetable soup it’s because i try to adjust to eating a warm meal soups are the kind that won’t make me want to throw up those i will be able to keep inside let’s say there are X amount of calories in a soup and carbohydrates, fat and maybe even some protein if any this vegetable soup has X amount of calories those carbs, protein and fats and 6 kinds of vitamins (goes on reading the list) and there are many minerals as well (tons of different minerals) this is a low-calorie soup which makes eating it easier for me ’cause i know there’s not much energy it’s easier to eat and feel good afterward i struggle with that sometimes i don’t count calories but they matter to me somehow if i know i’m gonna have a ton of calories at lunch i’ll have a very light breakfast it’s just stuck in my head it shouldn’t matter in my current situation if i’ll be having an X-calorie-soup i’d rather have this that has a lot of vitamins and minerals and stuff this has 15 packs it”s meant for weight watchers actually and it has a lot of protein and fiber it’s advertised as “all you need in a meal” i don’t eat this for weight loss i eat this to actually eat something during the day at snacks i’ve liked to have bananas and apples with apples i can easily have two at a time i won’t feel bad it makes me gas up unfortunately and my stomach starts to hurt i have max 2 bananas a day and usually give some to my bunny it scares me to eat an entire banana even though i know it’s healthy i’ve struggled with bananas for years now i don’t dare to eat a whole banana if i feel dizzy or starving i might have a whole banana sliced up on rye bread with butter and cheese you should really try that, it’s delicious! today my lunch was fried noodles it’s fried with eggs i also had vegetables and posted it on snapchat now let’s make some lunch. i’ll cook fried noodles and veggies here are the vegetables we use eggs when frying noodles first i fry the veggies after that i fry noodles i need to be able to mix them properly with the eggs so you shouldn’t fry them all together in the beginning the noodles are ready pour out the water we lose some seasoning but that’s okay if you use two packages of noodles you use two eggs one package=one egg if you want to cook more and use two big packs “excuse the brush by the way” i use 3 eggs for 2 big packages then we just use a fork to mix up noodles and eggs a fork works very well it breaks the eggs and sets it everywhere i’m making lunch AND dinner here that’s why the portion size then we just fry these if they stick to the pan, use water or butter or oil when the veggies are fried i put them away for a second i fry the noodles and put these in there as well then we season it! i actually already seasoned this i put aroma salt, garlic and curry i didn’t use black pepper this time nor red pepper or onion you can fry onions if you wish these are starting to be ready next we fry noodles with butter stir it all the time because the egg hardens quickly then we pour in some soy sauce then add the veggies you can turn off the heat now and then it’s ready yum!! try this! also without vegetables if you happen to have noodles and eggs fried noodles without veggies it’s super good and easy if i’m a bit hungry and i need to eat i might make a pack of noodles, one egg and fry that that’s an easy-for-me meal not very nutritional but a WARM meal what negative things have i experienced recently? (rant about my stomach not functioning and me being sick on monday) (i felt nauseous and throw up at school because i was sick) that’s why i spent 2 days at home i don’t wanna make others sick last time (2016) i tried to learn to eat when i quit purging i felt nauseous often my body got messed up it was so annoying and i expect it to happen this time too as you saw in the beginning of this video my hair has started to fall off these have become much more thin my hair has snapped at the top at least it looks like that it just falls off! i don’t wanna brush my hair anymore all the hair you saw in the video was from one wash just… no. i’m seriously motivated to recover now we could go through what i expect from the treatment. pros and cons. pro: i look forward to meeting nice people whom i can talk to, hang out and maybe even see after being outpatient i look forward to nice board game sessions and to doing school work i expect stretching and massage sessions we had those last time and i liked them i wanna fill my ### notebook it’s gonna have a lot of material in it ’cause i’m probably so anxious after eating so i can draw all kinds of angry doodles and sketches i expect, with horror, the weight gain we’ll see how much i gain in two weeks i’ve really tried to eat lately my weight hasn’t gone up or down it went up 1 kg and came back down 1 kg i don’t know how that happens ’cause i’ve eaten big restaurant portions and breakfast, lunch and dinner it’s been proven however, that when trying to gain weight and learning to eat again weight may not increase and it could even decrease i still expect to gain 2-3 kilograms during the treatment some cons i found firstly the anxiety that hits after meals i find it hard to be content after eating. i love having an empty stomach the fact that i’m full and have to eat immediately more everything just piles up ’cause my digestion is bad currently the previous food doesn’t digest properly so the entire day’s meals are still inside at the end of the day it gives me anxiety, annoys me and feels horrible so i might not see my friends after being at the clinique ’cause i feel so bad i know though this is all for my best and that’s why i can carry on things are okay with school teached said it’s fine that i’m away for 2 weeks he gives me excercised via email i look forward to having a great experience a more positive one than last time (2016) and also that… i’d get more motivation to recover fully there was this update send your questions down below i’ll maybe answer them in the next video there’s nothing else on my mind soup, oat meal, fruit, if possible eat out and some ready-to-go-meals or small cooking portions that’s what i’ll practise thanks for watching! thumbs up if you liked this video see you again in the next video. byee!