The Best of the Cold Opens – Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Mashup)


Ladies and gentlemen, We are gathered here today
to answer and age-old question. – Right, what’s Amy’s deal?
She single? – No, we’re dating.
Come on. The question is: Who here does
the best impression of Captain Raymond Holt? You’ll be judged on voice, body language,
and overall lack of flair. Everyone will perform
the same scenario: Captain Holt
eating a marshmallow for the very first time. Let the Holt-off begin! – What is this glutinous
monstrosity before me? – The sugar in this
is quite sweet. – Ooh, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm-hmm-hmm! – That’s your Holt impression? – I can hear him doing that. – Looks like a sticky pillow. – I don’t care for it.
Classical music. [laughter] – What’s going on here?
What are you doing? – Captain, hey, nothing,
just eating some marshmallows. Care for one? – Marshed-mallow. Hmm. Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
[laughing] – I knew it! OH, FUN. KELLY AND I HIT
THE PARK, WENT FOR A LONG WALK. FELL ASLEEP WATCHING TV. OH. SOUNDS LIKE A FUN
WEEKEND WITH KELLY. SO, KELLY. IS THAT
SCULLY’S WIFE OR HIS DOG? UH..
WAIT. NO ONE KNOWS
SCULLY’S WIFE’S NAME? I THINK KELLY IS HIS DOG. WENT FOR A LONG WALK.
THAT’S WHAT YOU DO WITH A DOG. YOU CAN GO ON A LONG
WALK WITH A PERSON. AT SUNSET. TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.
AND EVERYTHING. SOUNDS AWFUL.
HIT THE PARK. THAT’S A DOG. MY WIFE TAKES THE BABIES
TO THE PARK ALL THE TIME. ALL RIGHT, WE’RE DOING THIS. LET’S PLAY “WIFE OR DOG.” HEY, SO SCULLY, WHAT DO YOU DO
AT THE PARK WITH KELLY? OH, WE JUST WALK AROUND. SHE GETS ANTSY IF SHE DOESN’T
GET OUTSIDE ENOUGH. AND THEN IT’S JUST
YAP, YAP, YAP, ALL DAY LONG. (Charles)
HEY, WHAT’S KELLY’S
FAVORITE FOOD? PEANUT BUTTER. SHE’LL EAT IT
RIGHT OUT OF THE JAR. HOW OLD IS KELLY AGAIN? WELL, SHE’S GETTING UP THERE, BUT SHE’S PRETTY SPRY
FOR HER AGE. ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING SHE GOT
HIT BY THAT CAR A YEAR AGO. OH, THAT’S SO AWFUL. WAS SHE CHASING SOMETHING
INTO THE STREET, OR… NO. JUST GETTING ME
THE NEWSPAPER. ALL RIGHT, THIS IS USELESS. SCULLY, IS KELLY
YOUR WIFE OR YOUR DOG? HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT? I STILL DON’T KNOW
WHICH IT IS. NO IDEA.
I COULD NOT TELL YOU. WHOA. WHAT’S WITH THE CAST?
I SPRAINED MY WRIST. OH, NO!
WHAT HAPPENED? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I’M FINE. YEAH! GEEZ, AMY. BACK OFF. LEAVE THE GUY ALONE. [whispering] ALL RIGHT,
HUDDLE UP, EVERYBODY. BRING IT IN,
BRING IT IN! SO HE WOULDN’T SAY
WHAT HAPPENED, WHICH CAN ONLY
MEAN ONE THING. HE’S IN A FIGHT CLUB.
(Jake)
NO. HE DID IT DOING SOMETHING
HE’S EMBARRASSED BY, LIKE SMILING. ONLY QUESTION IS, HOW DO YOU
HURT YOUR ARM SMILING? ATTENTION, EVERYONE,
I CAN HEAR YOU SPECULATING ABOUT THE NATURE AND ORIGIN
OF MY INJURY FROM MY OFFICE. I TRIPPED OVER
AN UNEVEN SIDEWALK. I DID NOT THINK
IT WAS RELEVANT TO YOUR JOBS, THE JOBS WHICH YOU SHOULD ALL
BE DOING RIGHT NOW. GET TO WORK. DO YOU WANNA KNOW
HOW I ACTUALLY HURT MY WRIST? YES. I WAS HULA-HOOPING. KEVIN AND I ATTEND A CLASS
FOR FITNESS AND FOR FUN. OH, MY GOD. I’VE MASTERED ALL THE MOVES. THE PIZZA TOSS… THE TORNADO… THE SCORPION,
THE OOPSIE DOODLE. WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME THIS? BECAUSE NO ONE…
WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU. (Jake)
NO. NO! YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH. 9:01! AMY SANTIAGO IS OFFICIALLY
LATE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. ALL RIGHT, LET’S DO THIS. WHO’S GOT THEORIES? UH…
ALARM DIDN’T GO OFF. ALL THREE ALARMS?
ALL WITH BATTERY BACK-UP? COME ON, WHO WANTS
TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY? OOH!
SHE WAS TAKEN IN HER SLEEP! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! SUPER DARK, BOYLE,
BUT WAY MORE PLAUSIBLE THAN THE SARGE’S IDIOTIC
ALARM CLOCK THEORY. I BET SHE TUCKED HERSELF
INTO BED TOO TIGHT AND GOT STUCK. MM, MAYBE SHE FELL
INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE SHE’S INTERESTING. IT’S 9:00 A.M.
WHY IS NO ONE WORKING? AMY SANTIAGO IS
A FEW MINUTES LATE, AND WE’RE ALL TRYING
TO GUESS WHY. I’D LIKE TO PLAY. I’D SAY SHE’S IN LINE
AT THE BANK. THIS IS FUN.
(Jake)
IT IS FUN, BUT YOU’RE
ALL WRONG. SHE CLEARLY SLIPPED THROUGH
A SUBWAY GRATE AND IS HAVING TERRIBLE SEX
WITH A MOLE MAN. [elevator dings] (Jake)
THERE SHE IS.
AMY. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WE’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.
DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF? I’M JUST 70 SECONDS LATE.
IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. SANTIAGO, YOU WILL TELL US,
AND YOU WILL TELL US NOW. THERE WAS A PROBLEM
AT THE BANK. HOT DAMN! Guess who just came from the P.S. 321
Thanksgiving Parade? – Charles, you actually might– – Who’s Charles?
I’m Tommy Gobbler. And I’m stuffed with
Thanksgiving happiness! Gobble, gobble! – Seriously, Charles– – Uh-uh, I warned you! I’m Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim. – Okay, Tommy Gobbler. – There you go! – These are
the Davidsons. They want to know
what happened to their missing
grandmother. – I have some deeply
tragic news for you. [hip-hop music playing] – Peralta, are you eating an Italian sub
for breakfast? – I am, but Amy said
I should eat more veggies, so I got extra pepperoncinis. Smart. [coffee splashes] – Uh, excuse me. You need to watch yourself. – I’m sorry…
cop. – All right, let’s everybody
just stay calm here. – Or what? Are you gonna
arrest me for dancing? – You call that dancing? [crowd murmuring] This is dancing. ♪ – What is happening? – I’m defusing the situation. ♪ – Whoa…
dancing captain. Must capture image
of a lifetime! Oh, why is my phone
always dead? I paid $13 for it. – Don’t worry, Jakey.
I got it. – Okay.
Oh! – Oh, my hands
are covered in butter from making butter. – I’m on it! Must record, must record! Camera on. All right.
Here we go. – Dancing over. Situation defused. – No! – Well, actually I got
a little sick. – Oh, really?
I’m sorry to hear that, man. – Yeah, “Bullets over
Broadway” was on TV. And I came down with a big ol’
Dianne Wiest infection. Like “yeast.” He won’t say a word.
The guy’s a brick wall. – Not to worry, sarge.
I’ll take it from here. Hope you boys
brought popcorn, ’cause I’m about
to put on a show. Well, well, well. I hear you don’t like
answering questions, Marcos. That’s fine by me,
’cause I’m not asking. Ooh, handle fell off.
I’ll just grab that. [clears throat] Nope. So looks like we’re locked in. That’s bad news for you, ’cause you’re trapped in here
with a psycho. Has anyone tried it
from the outside? – Lock’s broken.
Gotta call facilities. – Copy that. No rush. As I said, I got all
the time in the wor– It’s a little warm in here,
right? Do you feel any air
coming out of that vent? I got nothing.
We got an ETA on facilities? – At least 45 minutes. – And they’ve checked all
this paint for lead, right? And the room for asbestos. I feel like I’m sucking
on a tailpipe in here, Marcos! Everybody get away
from the mirror! Come on! I can’t breathe.
I can’t breathe. – Hey, calm down, man. I’ll confess.
Just stop freaking out. – What?
– I did it. I robbed ’em.
– Boom! And that’s how it’s done. I was faking the whole thing
to break him. I coulda stayed in here forever. – Good, ’cause facilities
is gonna be a couple hours. – We’re gonna die in here! – Just eating butter
like a popsicle, huh, Boyle? – Yeah, I know,
I’m spoiling myself, but I’m depressed.
Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend,
is in prison? – Wait, Jake’s in prison?
– Yeah! He and Rosa were framed
for a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins. – Oh, right.
And where’s Gina? – On maternity leave!
We were all at her baby shower last week.
– Okay. And why am I bleeding? – I don’t know, Hitchcock. – Oh, so you don’t have
all the answers. I’m bleeding because
my piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me. – Look, we all miss
Jake and Rosa, which is why we have to
keep working the case. There has to be some way
to exonerate them. – I’ve been looking,
but I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do.
– “I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do”: title of your sex tape.
– What is happening right now?!
– They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country. She confessed to everything, and they let me out.
– Oh, my God, Jake, is it really you?
Are you really here? – You know it, baby.
– [sighs dreamily] – But first…
I gotta hug my best friend. – Yeah.
– What? – Welcome back, Peralta. I just heard from the mayor. To apologize
for what happened to you, they’re sending you
to Disney World. You and one male guest. – As long as I don’t have to
go on any of the scary rides. – I’d just go for the shows.
– Yeah! [laughs] all: [chanting]
Boyle, Boyle, Boyle! Boyle, Boyle, Boyle! – Boyle! Were you dreaming
about Jake again? – Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up! [upbeat music] [alarm clock beeping] [alarm silences] – Halloween.
Mua-ha-ha-ha. It’s heist time. Dah!
– Thought you could get a head start on heist prep?
Good luck. I’m already dressed. – Well…
I’m also dressed, and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs?
– In my belly. [both scream]
Now get a move on. It’s heist time. – I love Halloween! – So, do you recognize any
of these men? – I was hiding in
the bathroom stall, so I didn’t see his face. But I heard him. He was singing along
to the music at the bar. – Do you remember what
he was singing? – I think it was that song,
“I Want It That Way.” – Backstreet Boys.
I’m familiar. Okay. Number one, could you
please sing the opening to “I Want It That Way”? – Really? Okay. ♪ You are… ♪ My fire – Number two, keep it going. – ♪ The one… desire – Number three.
– ♪ Believe… ♪ When I say – Number four. – ♪ I want it that way – ♪ Tell me why! all: ♪ Ain’t nothing but
a heartache ♪ – ♪ Tell me why! all: ♪ Ain’t nothing but
a mistake ♪ – ♪ Now number five – ♪ I never want to hear
you say ♪ – Whoo!
all: ♪ I want it that way – Ah, chills! Literal chills. – It was number five.
Number five killed my brother. – Oh, my God, I forgot
about that part. [bright brass music] – So, two keys, huh? That’s a lot of snow. – And if you can’t handle it, we’re happy to find
someone who can. – Don’t worry about me, friend.
I can handle it. Marissa, baby, go get our guests
something to drink, would you? – We don’t want a drink.
– What is this, a social call? – It’s not a tea party.
– We look like five-year-old girls to you?
– Gentlemen, please. Have some patience. Two keys. Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl. Did you bring the cash? – Oh, we brought something
much better than cash. – What is that?
– Our guns! – NYPD!
You’re under arrest! – [screams] [yelling] [upbeat electronic music] ♪ – Boss man’s gone.
Where’d he go? ♪ Thank you kindly,
little lady. ♪ Gio Costa, you’re under arrest. – You want that drink now,
Hitchcock? – Don’t mind if I do, Scully. Don’t mind if I do. ♪ . – [humming] Another cold brew? Don’t mind if I “cold do.”
Nailed it. I am loving this machine
that Charles brought in. – It is nice.
The trick is to let the coffee warm up to room temperature. I’m already on my second cup. – This is my third. – [slow-motion]
Stop! You’re drinking too much! – Whoa, what’s going on,
Charles? Why are you talking so slow? – [slow-motion] I’m not.
I’m normal. We’re all normal. [dramatic music] – [laughing in slow motion] – If you’re not going slow,
that means we’re going fast. Are we going fast? Can anyone
tell if we’re going fast? – I don’t think we’re going fast
at all in any way whatsoever. I feel like we’re going slow
in every way whatsoever. Captain, how do you feel?
– Great. Excellent. Amazing. I feel better than
I’ve ever felt at any moment in my entire life.
– So we’re all fine? all: Yep. [rapidly repeating “Yep”] . – Bottles. Boyle.
Bullpen. – What are you–
– Buh-buh-buh. Bottles, Boyle, bullpen. Bowling. Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling. – Beautiful.
– Be brave, bro. Be brave. Bowl! – [screaming in slow motion] [dramatic music] ♪ – Bam!
– Bull’s-eye! – Booyah! – Babushka! all: Babushka! . – I’m here!
I’m here, I’m here. You can start the meeting now. – The meeting is over.
You’re late. You missed roll call
and the tutorial on using the new copiers. Six years, and no matter
how hard I try, I still can’t get you to understand the
importance of being punctual. – Maybe you should just give up
and accept me for who I am? – No, I will break you. Right now.
– Oh. – While you were out
being tardy, I was hard at work
devising a special punishment. I’ve crafted an intricate
personal high five with everyone in this office
except you. – What?
But you hate high fives. – Yes, every minute of it
was hell. But it’ll be worse for you.
Squad, dismissed. Good-bye, Diaz. – Salute into a fanny waggle? – Good-bye, Boyle.
– Oh, the snake charmer! – Good-bye, Jeffords. – That’s a butt bump.
– Good-bye, Santiago. – Double fist bump
reverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum. [sighs]
All right, that was terrible, but it’s over now,
and I made it through. – Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox. – What?
No, no, no. The copy guy? – Guys! I have a great
idea for a prank. Before Holt comes in I’m gonna put ink on the podium
where he puts his hands. – I don’t think
he’ll fall for that. – I did!
– How? I haven’t even
opened this yet. – I guess it’s unrelated. – Captain Holt hates pranks.
This is gonna backfire, man. – Ugh, fine, I’ll tone it down.
I’ll… move his podium
a foot to the left. – What?
He’ll be so angry. – Okay, five inches.
– Five? – Three?
– Three? – One?
– One? – All right.
I’ll move it a half inch. – Fine.
It’s your funeral. – Oh my god. Worst prank ever.
So stupid. Holt’s not even
going to notice. – Good morning. – You guys– the podium, it’s… – Ha.
[chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting]
You’re crazy! How did you pull this off?

11 Replies to “The Best of the Cold Opens – Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Mashup)”

  1. The same structure as The Office, the cute couple, the crazy boss (in his own way), the "Kevin" the pranks and I loooooooooooooove it!!!!!!!!!!

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