The Mitocondrial Magnificence of Parasite Eve


Well hey every buddy. It’s your good old pal EmptyHero. And today, by the will of my highly evolved
mitocondria, we’re going to discuss the first installment in a trilogy of action role playing
games based on Parasite Eve, a novel that explains the detailed minutia of a kidney
transplant for about five thousand pages, followed by a brief description of the surgeon
who performed said kidney transplant being raped in the ass by the anthropomorphsized
mitocondria of his braindead wife. Which, I think we can all agree is a perfect
metaphor for today’s health care crisis. Parasite Eve: for when your Parasites get
that not so fresh feeling, stars Aya Brea, a victim of the cruelest game of organ based
musical chairs since that time I couldn’t quite fit my peckah in an asian broad no matter
how much soy sauce and tears she poured onto it, so I yanked out her cervix to make room,
and in the confusion, she ripped my skimask off and I had to pull that floppy fallopian
friend over my head to keep my secret identity intact. And let me tell you; boy, was there egg on
my face. As a child, Aya’s family suffered the natural
conclusion of letting an asian woman drive something other than a rickshaw, and the resulting
multicar pile-up left Aya’s mother and sister deader than any chance of this franchise getting
a fourth instalment after the abomination that was 3rd Birthday. A mad doctor, bent on proving every piece
of anti german propoganda accurate, swaps around some livers, kidneys, and corneas between
Aya, her dead family, another girl named Mellissa, and the horriffic monstrocity mentioned in
the introduction, in hopes that he will one day get to blow a load on the offspring of
the reborn mitocondrial eve. As a result, Aya and Mellissa are corrupted
from within, like a country that imports a single feminist. Our story begins on Christmas Eve 1997. And rather than pretending not to hear her
parents arguing in the livingroom, as the rest of us were doing at the time, our heroin
Aya heads out for a night on the town with a fictional version of Donald Trump, probably
in hopes that he’ll grab her by the pussy. After the initial thrill of community theater
wears off, the lead actress checks her center of the cell nucleic privilege and transforms
into a proud mitocondrial avatar of color. As a result, our protagonist Aya springs into
action, after taking a second to run the pockets of another police officer, who just happened
to bring enough spare ammunition for a screening of an Amy Schumer lead “A Dark Knight” remake. After witnessing the mesmerizing process of
jewish puberty, murdering John Cleese’s newly purchased parrot while his back was turned,
and preventing the gang weed gamers from rising up, Aya walks in on Melissa, now the Mitocondrial
Eve, tickling the ivories harder than an elephant molester. Eve’s penis envy manifests, then unfurls like
a clinton’s member as a school bus drives by and a shot for shot showdown of thots ensues. Despite possessing the might-o-condria, Eve
flees to the sewers of new york, hoping that the steaming vapors of untreated sewage will
mask her all encoumbassing dank pussy stank. There, Eve merges herself with the abundant
supply of traditional, Christmas-Eve Jewish Chinese-food-shits rather that just turn sideways
to fit between these bars and Aya encounters the dreaded interior crocodile alligator! Following this completely pointless fight,
Aya also refuses to just turn sideways so she can slip through the bars and continue
following Eve, so she backtracks all the way to the opera house entrance instead, where
her Black-up Daniel Dollis finally arrives and, utilizing his natural instinct as a black
man to punch an unsuspecting white man in the back of the head, teaches Aya how to deal
with fake news. Back at the station Aya is lectured by an
anti-gun bleeding heart liberal who is later raped shitless by a mitocondrial furry with
only half chewed alpo for lube due to having no gun to defend himself with, and Aya is
then sent to question Dr Klamp, whom I can only assume is named after the things he used
to remove Eve’s nipples towards the end of the game. Aya, high on her recent realization that not
only does she have magical mitocondrial powers, but also that dislexic people can never mispell
her name since Aya is spelled the same ways frontwards and back, completely misses the
obvious signs that Klamp is behind everything and returns to the station emptier-handed
than jesus trying to cup some water in his holy hands for a quick sip of wine. In order to advance the plot, everyone suddenly
realizes three key factors that propel Aya and Daniels towards central park. First, that Eve’s host Mellissa was set to
perform at a Chrismas concert later that night at central park. Second that Daniel’s son Ben and wife Lorrain
were currently attending that concert. And third, since anyone getting too close
to Eve without her permission, other than Aya, spontaniously combusts faster than I
occasionally do in my pants when a woman brushes past me in line at the free clinic, that no
one would be around to stop Aya from festively cracking open some roasted nuts. Realizing that, due to his natural ashyness,
he would likely burst into flames faster than Richard Pryor at a viking funeral, Daniels
keeps those interacial relationship stereotypes intact and stays behind huffing jemkim while
his white female partner does all the work. There, among the discarded condoms and hobo
turds of central park, Aya confronts the horrible truth, that roaming bands of Australian Aboriginals
have mitocondrially mutated to become boomerang weilding simmions that mistake Aya’s ever
present cloud of queef vapors for petrol fumes and attack en masse in hopes of huffing enough
pelvis perfume to return to the great rainbow snake dreamland at the dumpster behind the
fudruckers. Further down the road, Eve does her best impression
of Rei Ayanami by first having been repeatedly molested in the back story by a mad scientist,
then by turning the attendies of her concert into the most unapatizing varity of orange
tang since Amy Schumer wiped cheetohs on her pussy to increase the cheesyness of their
flavor. After chasing a little girl backstage faster
than John Podesta at a Wiggles concert and jumping on some piles of leaves, Aya fights
off more subterarrian dicks than the most effeminate of those Thaiwanese school boys
the moment the rest of them realized they were about to run out of air and die as virgins. I would like to say the ensuing boss fight
with Eve worked splendedly, but as you can plainly see, despite the developer’s best
efforts, it is a little buggy. (fawk yeah chippa!) It is at this point that most players will
have one of two possible stunning realizations. First, that if bust a nut then do a back flip
fast enough to clutch the load with your buttcheeks in mid air, then inflate it with a fart you
can create what, in higher social circles, is called a puertorican jellyfish, and second,
that if you listen to the sound track, Eve is constantly singing opera. Like, even when she is portrayed as vocally
talking with Aya, Opera is heard in the background, leading the player to either believe that
Eve’s opera is either the product of inward singing between her spoken lines, or that
lying bitch has gone milli vanilla on us all along. A complete cluster fuck of events follow,
including Aya reenacting Christopher Reeve’s greatest hits, Daniel, realizing that his
wife’s cunt, which was just one night earlier tighter than a jews wallet come tip time thanks
to Danniel punching her in the guts whenever she forgot to do her kegels, was no longer
available now that she’s become an amorphous blob; much as most married men find. And as a result of Daniel abandons the vestigial
son he was no longer being cooch mooched into supporting and drops him off in the jail so
he can get used to his inevitable future as a fatherless black boy. Then finally, an innocent cop is burned to
a crisp by eves-dropping mitocondria who become triggered by him asking newcomer Kunihika
Maeda whether he was chinese or japanese since he wanted to know whether he should defend
his coke from a jovial sprinkling of urine or his literal everything else from having
weird cartoon pornography drawn of it. These seemingly unrelated events culminate
in Aya awaking smelling like hand lotion and shrimp on a flophouse matress, covered in
Japanese jelqers Jelly while Hikkimori Madea stares at his own hand and whispers how he’s
so fucked up. You see, despite being so backed up that he
sweats sperm, maeda stayed true to his japanese heritage by blasting his load on Aya while
she slept, rather than in her, which would have increased that pesky japanese birthrate
that they are so want to keep low. Daniels then uses his african american skeleton
key to help procure some supplies before everyone heads back to the museum in order to better
study Aya’s mitocondria as they fight off the “gel” Maeda “discovered” on Aya’s face,
jacket, and especially her feet. Aya and Daniel then completely wiff on figuring
out that Proffessor Klump was behind everything for a second god damned time. Being Japanese and that his eyes are focused
by default, Maeda can’t help but recognize Doctor Blumpf and notice a list of names on
his computer that includes Daniel’s unwanted financial burden Ben. Returning to the station they find everyone’s
favorite coolio haired slut has returned and, utilizing the evolved mitocondria of a vhs
cassette of John Carpenters “The Thing”, turns a cute little german shephard into what I
can only assume you’d get if Frosty the Snowman’s magical life giving hat landed on the contents
of a dumpster behind a chinese food resturaunt after all you can eat “beef” and brocoli night. Before players re-enact the endings of both
“old yeller” and “where the red fern grows” in order to put down Sheeva, they must face
an even more deathly existential crisis, wondering why, why was Ben so much more distressed over
a dog he just met turning into a mitocondria monster than he was with his mother melting
before his eyes. And perhaps even more shattering to ones preconcieved
notions of the natural order of things, how exactly does a three headed dog decide which
head gets to lick their balls? After the fight, in a brief moment of clarity,
Maeda realizes that, being a woman, Eve must have an insatiable urge to guzzle countless
vats of semen and he and Aya head for the local spermbank, and no, I mean a real building
where sperm is stored, not Zoe Quinn’s mouth, stomach, anus, and back of the knee. Appropriately enough, within the cramped,
confines of the sperm bank Aya encounters an army of self aware ona-holes that imeddiatley
realize that, due to Aya’s inability to open a pickle jar or perform a puertorican jellyfish,
that she doesn’t have a penis for them to milk and attack Aya ruthlessly. I mean it literally, search all you want during
these battles, you won’t find a single Ruth! Atop the roof, Eve uses her mind warping mitocondrial
powers to convert a jet pilot into a muslim midflight, forcing Aya to drop harder than
most players balls the first time they watched that shower scene from parasite eve 2. In order to pad out the length of the game,
players then proceed through China town, where they will fight the most rancid pussies with
bloody tampons hanging out of them that I’ve seen since the day I quit working at the car
wash after jeniffer hepler rolled in on a hydrollically reinforced hospital gourney
and wanted her undercarrage pressure washed. This is easily the least interesting section
of the game, and frankly if I wanted to watch women crawl through raw sewage, I’d just reconnect
the cameras in my secret basement. After finally realizing that the doctor who
is clearly behind everything is behind everything, Aya gears up for a final confrontation of
Klamp. Unfortunatly because Aya still has some stupidity
left over from before, instead of confronting Klamp immediately by shooting out the lock
to his office door, she fights hundreds of mitocondrial dinosaurs while searching for
a key instead. This is probably the least fun I’ve had in
a museum since I was banned from the holocaust museum for turning on a lamp that had a shade
made of foreskins and causing the entire building to stink of locks and smegma. After causing a second dino extinction, Aya
finally enters the office she could have probably broken into with a credit card and confronts
the man who tampered with her body as a child, let her sister die, doomed her partner’s wife
to a fate worse than death, jammed his cock in a pocket pussy that he taped to a dogs
hind leg before scratching it’s belly so that it’s leg wiggles, and perhaps worst of all,
wasting his talents on creating a sperm with no male mitocondrial dna so that Eve can give
birth to the ultimate mitocondrial being, rather than a ranch dressing flavored sperm
that makes it impossible for a judge to prove that you were the one who knocked a woman
up. I don’t care what that judge says Eve, you
lying bitch! I know that baby isn’t mine because I jammed
a straightened out coat hanger down my pee hole right after I came, so nyeh! At this point Eve summons a gigantic blob
of gelatinous flesh to her side faster than Rosie Odonald’s wife opening a can of tuna
in the bedroom, and the few sea-men Eve didn’t swallow earlier at the sperm bank band together
to launch a kamakazi attack. Aya follows up by personally slapping eve
around so much that he inner masochist activates and she melts all over the floor. Unfortunately, while the player is destracted,
Eve’s anchor baby, whose swollen balls and backwards facing penis remind me all to well
of the time I had a little too much to drink at my nephews christening and spun around
too fast while sitting on a barstool naked, is born. And after the greatest flaming black man since
Rupaul tosses Aya some bullets coated with Aya’s own vaginal yeast that madea collected
while Aya was in a coma, the player is forced to flee from the offspring faster than a black
man on father’s day. One nuclear explosion later and the player
is treated with a completely non sensical ending that is invalidated by the premise
of the next game. That is, unless they play a through the game
a second time and grind the levels necessary to reach the 77th floor of the chrystler building. There, players are treated to the true final
boss and yet another ending that is rendered invalid by the premise of Parasite Eve 2 so
whatever. Overall, the original Parasite Eve held up
better than I expected and will almost make up for the suffering I will later endure while
playing the second and third games. Well, that’s it for today’s video, if you
liked it, you can click the subscribe button and the little bell next to it, then cross
your fingers and hope that you’re one of the five people youtube actually notifies of my
new uploads after subscribing to me, check out one of my original ebooks, paperbacks,
or audiobooks using the links provided in the description below, join my discord so
you can post the sauciest of Aya/ Eve fan arts, or submit to the will of my superior
mitocondria by joining my patreon in exchange for the right to vote on which game I review
next. Until then, thanks for your time and GOODBYE.

31 Replies to “The Mitocondrial Magnificence of Parasite Eve”

  1. One of my favorite PSX games, I love the blend of survival horror and RPG. Really good for a licensed game that was nothing more than a tech demo for FF8 , The 3rd Birthday was pretty fun 3rd person shooter but the story sucked and it needed a second control stick :/

  2. hell yea, new jrpg review from emptyhero. always a good time. now to re-watch your ff8 review for the hundredth time

  3. I remember watching my friend play this game when I was like 8 years old, and it giving me nightmares. Specifically the prerendered cutscene that shows the rat being mutated.

  4. I didn't actually need to grind to complete the Chrysler building. Although the random battles as you wander the halls are basically the same thing I guess.

  5. A funny thing about Eve's design is that in FF8, there's a monster that looks a lot like her except with wings and a different head.

  6. One of the only good JRPGs of the late 90s, making it one of the last good JRPGs to ever exist.

    I want to make a hot gril RPG with this combat system and then also the tool kit + gun upgrading system where you can moosh all the spare guns into your guns to make it into a super gun that could blow the giant nuts off of Mitochondria Adam.

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