Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,”
EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) SO GOOD TO TO BE BACK. I’VE MISSED THESE PEOPLE. THIS WEEKEND, DEMOCRATS DID
SOMETHING THAT ONCE SEEMED UNIMAGINABLE: THEY COUNTED THE
VOTES IN A CAUCUS. ( LAUGHTER )
I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT’S–
>>I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA. DONALD TRUMP’S WORST
NIGHTMARE.>>WE’RE AT EACH OTHER’S
THROATS.>>MADE A LOT OF MONEY. CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE. YOU KNOW WHO NUMBER ONE IS? TRUMP!>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE.” 2020!>>WITNESS ME! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: TONIGHT, BACK ON THE FURY ROAD.>>Jon: THAT HEAD BUTT.>>Stephen: TONIGHT ON THE
VROOM-VROOM SHOUT FACE, NEVADA CAUCUS, AND IT’S RUNAWAY
WINNER VERMONT SENATOR AND ANCIENT JOHN MULANEY, BERNIE
SANDERS. SANDERS WAS COMING OFF SLIM
POPULAR VOTE VICTORIES IN IOWA AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, BUT BERNIE
WON NEVADA WITH 46% OF THE VOTE, INCLUDING A DIVERSE COALITION OF
IMMIGRANTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, LATINA MOTHERS, YOUNGER BLACK
VOTERS, WHITE LIBERALS AND EVEN SOME MODERATES. AND BECAUSE IT WAS NEVADA, HE
ALSO PICKED UP VOTES FROM BLACKJACK DEALERS, CIRQUE DU
SOLEIL, AND THAT GUY SITTING ALONE AT THE PRIME RIB BUFFET
MUTTERING “HOW AM I GONNA TELL MARJORIE?”
( LAUGHTER ) BERNIE CELEBRATED HIS NEVADA WIN
BY CONTRASTING HIS MOVEMENT WITH TRUMP’S.>>THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO
WIN THIS ELECTION BY DIVIDING OUR PEOPLE UP BASED ON THE
COLOR OF THEIR SKIN OR WHERE THEY WERE BORN OR THEIR RELIGION
OR THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION. WE ARE GOING TO WIN BECAUSE WE
ARE DOING EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.>>STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE)
“WHAT I’M SAYING IS: MULTI-RACIAL, MULTIGENERATIONAL
ORGY AT MY PLACE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I PROMISE, YOU WILL FEEL THE BERN.” ( CHEERING )
( LAUGHTER ) “AND THE BERN WILL FEEL YOU!”
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEVADA RESULTS WERE ALSO A
BOOST FOR THE FLAGGING CAMPAIGN OF JOE BIDEN, WHO CAME IN
SECOND WITH 20% OF THE VOTE, AND TOLD SUPPORTERS THAT JOE-MENTUM
IS BACK!>>YOU PUT ME IN A POSITION–
YOU KNOW, THE PRESS IS READY TO DECLARE PEOPLE DEAD QUICKLY, BUT
WE’RE ALIVE AND WE’RE COMING BACK AND WE’RE GOING TO WIN.>>STEPHEN: BRAGGING THAT YOU’RE
ALIVE MAY NOT BE THE MOST STIRRING CAMPAIGN RALLYING CRY. “FOLKS, WE’RE BREATHING ON OUR
OWN. THE TUBES ARE OUT, THE PANTS ARE
ON, AND THIS MORNING, I ATE A WHOLE THING OF APPLESAUCE! NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME
— ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW SPONGE-BATHE ME AND ROLL ME
TOWARDS SOUTH CAROLINA!” HERE WE GO! ( LAUGHTER )
ALL RIGHT, WRONG WAY, LET’S GO, GUYS. COME ON! THANK YOU. A LOT OF MODERATE DEMOCRATS ARE
CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING A DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST AT THE
TOP OF THE TICKET. LAST NIGHT, “60 MINUTES” AIRED
AN INTERVIEW WITH BERNIE AND HE DIDN’T DO MUCH TO PUT HIS
CRITICS AT EASE.>>WE’RE VERY OPPOSED TO THE
AUTHORITARIAN NATURE OF CUBA, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT’S UNFAIR TO
SIMPLY SAY EVERYTHING IS BAD. YOU KNOW? WHEN FIDEL CASTRO CAME INTO
OFFICE, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID? HE HAD A MASSIVE LITERACY
PROGRAM. IS THAT A BAD THING? EVEN THOUGH FIDEL CASTRO DID IT?>>STEPHEN: WHAT, NO– BERNIE
ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL EVERYONE AT MSNBC? YOU SOUND LIKE FIDEL CASTRO’S
MOM. “NOW I KNOW FIDEL DID A LOT OF
MURDER, BUT LOOK AT THIS MACARONI PICTURE HE MADE IN THE
THIRD GRADE. THESE LITTLE ROTINI DOWN HERE
ARE THE GRAVES OF HIS ENEMIES.” ( LAUGHTER )
WRIF RIFF BUT BERNIE DID TRY AN ODD PIVOT
WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE CENTRAL PLATFORM OF HIS CAMPAIGN.>>A LOT OF VOTERS ARE VOTING
FOR CANDIDATES WHO AREN’T CALLING FOR MEDICARE FOR ALL,
WHO AREN’T CALLING FOR A REVOLUTION. IS EVERYBODY REALLY WANTING A
REVOLUTION LIKE THAT?>>YEAH, LET’S GO EASY ON THE
WORD REV– POLITICAL REVOLUTION, YOU KNOW? WE’RE– WE’RE TRYING TO FOLLOW–
>>YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S USING THE WORD.>>WELL, BUT, YOU KNOW– I DON’T
WANT PEOPLE TO OVERSTATE.>>STEPHEN: WHAT?! RAFF LAUGH
NOW YOU DON’T WANT US TO OVERSTATE THE WORD REVOLUTION? THAT’S YOUR WHOLE BRAND. THIS IS LIKE NIKE SUDDENLY
CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO “JUST DON’T OVERDO IT.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) Y>>Jon: YEAH, JUST DO IT! JUST SLIGHTLY. JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪
♪ OH, JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪>>Stephen: AT ONE POINT
BERNIE GOT A LITTLE SASSY.>>ONE OF THE CRITICS OF YOU IN
THE SENATE, JOE BIDEN, HAS SAID THAT YOU NEVER GOT ANYTHING
DONE. AMY KLOBUCHAR HAS BEEN– ARE
YOU GETTING MAD?>>I’M NOT MAD. JUST SILENTLY HISSING, THAT’S
ALL. (LAUGHTER)
>>STEPHEN: I KNOW BERNIE HAD A HEART ATTACK, BUT IS HE ALSO
DEFLATING? (AS BERNIE)
“THE TOP 1% OF THE– SSSSSSS– SOMEBODY GET MY PUMP!”
“PUMP ME UP! SOMEBODY!”
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: PUMP IT UP! ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) OH, YEAH, GOOD BUDDY.>>Stephen: WHILE THE
DEMOCRATS BATTLE IT OUT BACK HOME, TRUMP IS ABROAD
IN INDIA. HERE HE IS GIVING PRIME MINISTER
NARENDRA MODI THE TRADITIONAL AMERICAN GREETING OF SLIDING
YOUR HAND INSIDE SOMEONE’S CLOTHES. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “WE’VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER A
SHORT WHILE, BUT I THINK WE’RE READY FOR UNDER THE VEST STUFF.” ( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP’S FIRST STOP WAS AT THE HOME OF MAHATMA GANDHI, WHERE HE
GOT THE CHANCE TO SPIN A REPLICA OF THE WHEEL THAT GANDHI USED
TO MAKE HIS OWN CLOTHES. THAT’S LOVELY. NOW HE KNOWS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO WORK IN ONE OF IVANKA’S FACTORIES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Jon: PUTTING IT OUT THERE,
HUH? THANK YOU.>>Stephen: THE DAY’S BIG
EVENT WAS A GIANT POLITICAL RALLY FOR THE
PRESIDENT CALLED “NAMASTE TRUMP.” WHICH I REALLY HOPE MEANS HE HAD
TO PUBLICLY DO YOGA. (AS TRUMP)
“FIRST, I GO DOWNWARD, LIKE A DOG! NOW, A SUN SALUTATION: HI,
ERIC!” A
( LAUGHTER ) “NAMASTE TRUMP” WAS MODI’S WAY
OF THANKING TRUMP FOR A RALLY IN SEPTEMBER, WHEN TRUMP JOINED THE
PRIME MINISTER IN TEXAS FOR AN EVENT CALLED “HOWDY MODI!”
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH WENT A LOT BETTER THAN
TRUMP’S EVENT WITH THE CHINESE PRESIDENT, “THAT’S WHAT XI
SAID.” ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP OPENED HIS SPEECH LIKE THIS:
>>TODAY INDIA WELCOMES US AT THE WORLD’S LARGEST CRICKET
STADIUM RIGHT HERE IN AHMEDABAD. ( CHEERING )
IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.>>STEPHEN: YES, HE JUST SAID,
“IT IS A PROFOUND HONOR TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL NEW STADIUM.” ( LAUGHTER )
HE USED TO JUST PUT HIS NAME ON BUILDINGS. NOW HE WANTS TO BE THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT’S A STROKER. IT’S A CHIN STROKER. OF COURSE, BECAUSE HE WAS IN
INDIA, TRUMP HAD TO PROVE THAT ENGLISH ISN’T THE ONLY
LANGUAGE HE STRUGGLES WITH:>>NAMASTE. THE PRIDE OF GUJARAT. SOME OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST
CRICKET PLAYERS FROM SUE CHIN TENDLEKUR. AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER
SWAMI VIVEKANANDA ONCE SAID– ( LAUGHTER )
>>STEPHEN: YES, SWAMI VI-VAY-KUNUNDUNDE ONCE SAID,
“THAT IS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HOW YOU
PRONOUNCE MY NAME.” LATER IN THE DAY, TRUMP VISITED
THE TAJ MAHAL, WHICH WAS THE MODEL FOR ONE OF TRUMP’S
INFAMOUS FAILED ATLANTIC CITY CASINOS. (AS TRUMP)
“IN HONOR OF THE TAJ MAHAL, I’D LIKE TO OFFER THIS TRADITIONAL
HINDU PRAYER.” ♪ LUCK BE A LADY TONIGHT ♪
♪ LUCK IF YOU’VE EVER BEEN A LADY TO BEGIN WITH ♪
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IS ONE CHALLENGE FOR TRUMP
IN INDIA BECAUSE MODI IS A DEVOTED VEGETARIAN AND PLANS TO
SERVE VEGETARIAN FOOD TO THE PRESIDENT. OH, MY GOD. WE’RE GOING TO WAR WITH INDIA. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW I LOVE TALKING SPORTS, IT’S KIND OF MY THING, — I TALK
ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME. WE EDIT IT OUT BUT MOSTLY I TALK
ABOUT SPORTS — AND TODAY WE’VE GOT AN INSPIRING
STORY FROM THE WORLD OF HOCKEY. IN SATURDAY NIGHT’S N.H.L. GAME
BTWEEN THE CAROLINA HURRICANES AND THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS, THE
TWO HURRICANES GOALIES GOT INJURED. SO THEY CALLED ON THE ZAMBONI
DRIVER TO BE THEIR EMERGENCY GOALIE, AND HE WON HIS N.H.L. DEBUT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE WON! UNBELIEVABLE! DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! ( APPLAUSE )
HE WON WITH HELP FROM HIS SIGNATURE
MOVE: PARKING THE ZAMBONI IN FRONT OF THE GOAL. ( LAUGHTER )
BIG D. THE HOCKEY HERO IS NAMED DAVID
AYRES, AND HE’S NOT JUST A ZAMBONI DRIVER, HE’S ALSO AN
ARENA MAINTENANCE WORKER. HERE’S A VIDEO FROM THE LOCKER
ROOM AFTER THE WIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT’S INCREDIBLE. THAT’S SO LOVELY. THAT’S SO NICE. THEY DO KNOW HE HAS TO CLEAN ALL
THAT UP, RIGHT? WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, AND– OWW. OW. OH! I PULLED MY HAMSTRING. I DON’T THINK I CAN FINISH.>>Jon: OH, NO.>>DON’T WORRY, STEPHEN, I GOT
YOU!>>Stephen: IT’S DAVID AYRES! ZAMBONI HOCKEY HERO DAVID AYRES,
EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) DAVID! DAVID! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DAVID, I’VE PULLED MY HAMSTRING, CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?>>I’LL FINISH UP. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WHEN WE COME BACK, WARREN CHECKS
BLOOMBERG INTO THE BOARDS! STICK AROUND!>>STEPHEN: WOOOOO!

100 Replies to “Trump In India: Cricket, Vegetarian Food, Fun With Pronunciation”

  1. Wow!! The late show actually reported a positive story about Bernie.
    I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that they IMMEDIATELY started dumping on him after that. I just don't understand why they want to make Bernie look like a crazy monster. Shit like this is the reason I don't watch the late show much anymore…

  2. There's a town in the Catskills called Delhi (pronounced Delhi); I just hope Trump goes there after his India visit; he'll be so confused. "Man, they followed me home! I need to build another wall!'

  3. Of course Trump probably didn't practice any of those names or words on his very long flight. He doesn't do his work or his homework. He's a lazy, illiterate, narcissist. He needs to GO! VOTE blue!

  4. I wonder if Sanders would dare to speak highly of some of the accomplishments of another socialist who ruled over Germany in the 1930's and 40's.

  5. I think what Sanders was avoiding saying is he doesn't want a literal revolution with blood in the streets. So maybe take it down a notch criticizing him for trying not to encourage something like that if he gets snubbed for the nomination, since he likely will.

  6. I used to say bad things about trump. I'm not anymore. I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him. I hope he finds peace in his life. Money doesn't seem to be doing it. You came to this world butt naked, and so shall you leave the same way.
    " Treasures of the wicked bear no profit, but righteousness, will deliver you from death." I'm going to make a prediction. Trumps lasts words will be, " Oh God, please help me." I hope he finds the kingdom of God.
    God bless America, God bless us all.

  7. "When we come back, Warren checks Bloomberg into the boards" he delivered that line better than Trump speaks in general. that's kind of a tongue twister and he looks like it was dark back stage and now he's being blinded by the stage lights. Well done, Dave.

  8. Warning. No planes have been quarantined except from China. Italy has a big exposure problem of the virus. How many planes have landed from these other countries that have the virus.

  9. as a cricket loving Brit,had us in stiches the way Dumpy Trumpy tried to pronounce the names of those Indian cricketeers,did anyone run through them with him in advance?Such a shame his trip didn't include one to Sri Lanka and some of their current cricketeers names such as Niroshan Dickwella or Sadeera Samarawickrama mind you the funniest thing we've heard is Trumpy wants to mediate in the current dispute between India & Pakistan,haven't both countries suffered enough

  10. Colbert, of you act like a corporate shill even one more time in regard to Bernie you will lose tons of fans including me. I just about unsubscribed while watching this. Truthyness from the guy who coined the word, hypocrite.

  11. I would LOVE to be there if Modi tried to explain cricket to Trump. 'Hey, Mr Modi Blues, I need picture cue-cards for my daily intelligence briefings. This weird baseball with sweaters thing is just too much.'

  12. Stephen is so awesome when he breaks out the bottle and talks with his guests on his show!!! I would patent that style of Late Night shows!!!

  13. No wonder young college kids like Bernie. They like the idea of "revolution". I guess Bernie never grew up. God save America!

  14. Drumpf, who has germ phobia, went to one of the dirties countries in the world. Where they openly defecate in the street.

  15. Here we go again, supposedly liberal comedians making fun of Democrats just to get a few laughs. Stephen Colbert is actually writing the GOP campaign speeches! Look, you want to be a comedian, fine, tell jokes. You want to be political, then talk seriously about the issues without making fun of the way someone looks or talks. If you are going to put up a clip of a candidate talking, let the candidate finish so we can hear every word that was said. Editing the video so it suits your bias is what the Republicans and Trump supporters do!

  16. Don't let Trump do the ordering next time you're with him in an Indian restaurant. Not that it matters. According to sources Trump's entourage didn't eat anything made for them during their visit to India. Wow. Trump and his people don't even eat vegetables?

  17. Stephen I guess your beginning to love Trump like everybody else is too.
    How the Hell would you make your money without having Trump around?
    How much have you made thus far out of Trump mimicking?
    Long may you both prosper๐Ÿ˜‚

  18. Those pronunciations of two of the greatest cricket players in the world hurt my stomach. Cricket does not deserve this

  19. As an Indian I appreciate Trump tried to say Indian words although he failed. If I was trying to speak Russian or Chinese I will do same mistake.

  20. Are we over the fact that the republicans have been bought out by major corporations and they are leaving a person unfit to take care of a goldfish in charge of our country? Sorry sometimes I think this is an actual news network because the actual news networks just show what they think we would like to see but never inform people what we need to know because they are owned by big government, excuse me big corporations, meh same thing.

  21. People should keep in mind that with Bernie's tax program it puts Him in that taxable income and He will pay more in Tax just like the rich!,,,,

  22. Russia is making Bernie surge because it's an easy win for tRump vs Bernie… I hate Mr. Orange but growing our corrupt govt under Bernie would be worse- I'd vote Biden or Pete.

  23. Thousands walked out during The Don's India speech. Someone with an Indian name replied on another site the large crowd was mostly there to see PM MODI. When Trump began to speak BBC has footage of thousands walking out.

  24. Abbabad? Ahmedabad! LOLOL. Sachin Tendulkar is not from Gujarat! And it's Swami Vivekananda: also not from Gujarat, but West Bengal. Trifecta of laughs, thanks Stephen.

  25. Why would Chump go to India to praise their leader when the Indian government uses the practice of shutting down the internet for political reasons more than any other country in the world? Oh, thatโ€™s right. Our leader praises dictators and those of the like. He fuckinโ€™ loves dictators. ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿฝ

  26. He didn't do a Cuban accent when he joked about Fidel's mom. Trevor Noah would've totally nailed it unlike the politically correct Stephen๐Ÿ˜‰

  27. #PresidentBernieSanders Start saying that, stop giving the buffoon any space, #STOP giving Drumf recognition of any sort STOP! For now on say: #PRESIDENTBERNIESANDERS !!!

  28. Hmmmm ๐Ÿค” Not as funny when heโ€™s taking the piss out of a candidate you like. Especially when heโ€™s not an evil pathological liar & lifelong criminal like Dump is

  29. Can you imagine being in his shoes? Reading from a teleprompter, and all of a sudden, weird words you've never knew existed pop up, you have no idea what they say, and you're being watched by many Millions of people. Damn.

  30. You know BERNIE 2020 is REAL when I don't care what even Colbert says about him. NO ONE WILL ROB BERNIE SANDERS THIS TIME, ……
    BECAUSE, IT'S FOR THE PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  31. Donald Trump: There are lot of people in India and I love it.

    Modi: You will have lot more Mr President ,if you allow immigrant's in.

    Donald Trump: That was a terrible joke but you know I love you .

  32. Being an Indian , I just want to give a suggestion to each and every American .. Better Send you HM of FM rather than your President

  33. So it stands to reason, if thats how he pronounces things he doesn't understand/can't easily read, then thats probably how he hears himself in his head too.

  34. From Babylon, Rome, England to the creation of America, as a patriot born and raised in Canada, George Washington would be amazed how his country has fallen to an age of embarrassment. There will be a time where North America is united; creating a new world order for all who seek a life from over priced education, under paid labor, high taxation, poor quality products from China. Everything you might have thought, I will have it made possible through you. The world is yours! Now, let's see what happens tomorrow, year 2035.

  35. A sellout-like trolling of Bernie's genuine ideas. And racist appropriation of Indian words, Yoga and Hindu culture despite being a self-identified Catholic himself, not any freethining atheist mind you. Jeez. Stephen Colbert has gone low and lower in this segment.

  36. I worry that the American left is following the (bad) British example of backing a far-left candidate, who would be an idealistic leader, but one that will not beat the guy you want rid of. Like in Britain right now, I think the only way to remove to guy on the (far?) right, you have to have someone to the left of centre.

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